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  • Jokes
  • 1. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
    2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
    3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
    4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
    5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
    6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
    7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
    8. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  • A French couple, an Italian couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
    The French husband says to his wife “Pass the honey, honey.”
    The Italian man says to his wife “Pass the sugar, sweety.”
    The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife “Pass the bacon you fat pig”.
  • A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.

    He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

    The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

    The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

    The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

    The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

    The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

    The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

    The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
  • A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says,
    “Poor thing look at the dog with one eye.”
    The blonde covers one of her eyes and says “Where?”
  • A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
    “Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”
  • A boss tells his new employee, “I’ll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I’ll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?”
    “In 3 months.”
  • A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
  • A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

    "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

    "At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

    The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

    "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?"

    "Sure do."

    "Do you have golden floors?"

    "Most certainly do."

    "What about golden urinals?"

    There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
  • A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. “Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did.”
    “You got in an argument with your boss.”
    “Well, piss on him!!!” said the man.
    “You did. He fired you.”
    “Well, screw him!”
    “I did.” said his wife. “You’re back to work on Monday.”
  • A guy walks into a Parts Store and says: “I’d like a gas cap for my KIA.” The shop owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: “Ok, that seems like a fair trade.”
  • A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
    “What happened, my child?”
    “I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye.”
    “Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?”
    “Well, I thought I’d done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back.”
  • A man took his date to a zoo. They were disappointed to find that it only contained one animal: a dog.

    It was a shitzu.
  • A man was walking down the street and on the corner were 3 drunks trying to raise a telephone pole. They worked and worked and finally got the thing in the air. Two of of the drunks held the pole and the other climbed on top. He let down a a tape measure. This fellow couldn’t take it any more so he asks what they were doing.
    They said, “We are measuring this pole.”
    The man asks, “Why didn’t you measure it on the ground?”
    They said, “We know how long it is, now we want to know how tall it is.”
  • A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a drink"?

    The Bartender responds, for you "No Charge".
  • A sad old man was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.

    The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.

    The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"

    The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"
  • A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

    The Screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
  • A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.

    Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"

    To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the same about you, though!"
  • An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
    So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
    He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
    There was no response.
    He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
    Still, there was no response.
    Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
    She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
  • An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

    The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."

    When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.

    When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?"

    She responds: "This is the dress of love."

    And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."
  • As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

    'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
  • Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
    It was in tents.
  • Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
    Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.
    Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
    Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won’t be able to see anyone.
    Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
    Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.
  • I am always tired...
    For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
  • I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
  • Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

    When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

    "Who the hell are you?", demanded Kenny, "And what are you doing in my bedroom?"

    The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

    Kenny was stunned. "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

    St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

    Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So, you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?"

    "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

    "Never" replies Kenny.

    "Well, just relax and let it happen."

    And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"
  • Little johnny in class says to teacher "Hey miss do birds have spare parts". "No of course not Johnny,"said the teacher "what made you think birds would have spare parts anyway.

    "Well " said Johnny,"it's just that l heard dad telling uncle Frank he was going to screw the ass of the bird next door"
  • One day a father called his 6 children together and asked,
    “Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?”
    In one voice they all replied, “You, Daddy!”
  • One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

    "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

    "I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

    She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
  • One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
  • Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
    "What are you doing?" She asked.
    "Hunting Flies" He responded.
    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
  • The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"

    Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
  • There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:
    General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
    Surgeons know little and do everything.
    Internists knows everything and do nothing.
    Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.
  • There was a magic mirrior in this resturant. If you lie to the mirror you will get sucked in. A red head walks in says she thinks she’s president and gets sucked in. A strawberry blonde walks in says she thinks she is as rich as Bill Gates she gets sucked in. A blonde walks in and she says “I think…” and she gets sucked in.
  • There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
  • Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
    Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
    "Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
    gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
    She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
    And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"
  • Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

    The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

    The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
  • Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded approvingly,

    "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."
  • Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

    Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
  • What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
    Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
  • What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
  • What’s the good thing about Fords?

    They come out of the factory with the problem circled.
  • Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
    A barber.
  • Woman: Do you drink beer?
    Man: Yes
    Woman: How many beers a day?
    Man: Usually about 3
    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
    (This is where it gets scary !)
    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
    Man: About 20 years, I suppose
    Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400. correct?
    Man: Correct
    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
    20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
    Man: Correct
    Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
    Man: Do you drink beer?
    Woman: No
    Man: Where's your Ferrari?
  • Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

    Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
  • “Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!”
    “This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”
    “No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”
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